MomwtihMoney’s 6 New Year’s Resolutions

On January 3, 2008, I found myself inside a CAT scanner.  I thought I was having a stroke and spent the time inside the box imagining headlines along the lines  of, “34 year old mother of 2 and Community Leader …” (you get the drift). Thankfully, it turned out to “just” be a migraine headache, but it was one that lasted 6 weeks, overlapping conveniently with a stomach flu that left me bedridden for 7 days (losing just as many pounds) and barely upright in time for my birthday. Just when I started to feel better and ready to work out again, I was hit by a second bout with the stomach flu. The only good news from all of this is that (a) it was only the flu, and (b) I have kept off post of the 7 lbs. I lost.

The best things I did for myself and my family in 2008: Getting an au pair (allowing me more time to work knowing my girls had a loyal and loving honorary member of the family engaging with them and taking care of their needs), finally succumbing to my years of struggling with a self-image issue and getting the nose job I’ve thought about for 20 years, buying a vacation home where wonderful memories are already being built and traditions already being established, incorporating a non-negotiable weekly date night and spending 4 weekends away with my husband. Oh, and I bought some AMAZING shoes this year. Seriously.

The things I could have done better: kept up the great fitness level I worked so hard to attain, spent less time doing mundane tasks I didn’t need to be doing, I probably didn’t need to shop quite so much, I spent too much time complaining to my husband about how busy I am and not recognizing how much pressure he must also feel (although he certainly never admits to it), maintained a bit more diplomacy and bit less personal ego investment in my role as board chair of a non-profit organization, and of course I should have documented more of my younger daughter’s milestones so there’s not such a huge disparity in the number of pages each of my daughters has filled with precious moments.

So, with all of that out in the open, here are my New Year’s Resolutions for 2009:

1. I will do things to make my life easier, including (a) buying a Mac so I’m not fighting PC viruses constantly; (2) hiring my personal assistant for more hours each week; (3) using a virtual assistant to help me with more mundane tasks; and (4) letting go of control and deciding I’m ok with our au pair driving my kids around town so that I can work when I need to work and use my “play” time more wisely.

2. I will Work Less and Make More by: (1) giving myself a raise (I’m worth it!); (2) creating demand sooner and giving incentives for people who sign up to work with me earlier so that my income is more balanced throughout the year; (3) diversify my business and not let the hours I am available determine how quickly my holdings can grow – meaning I will employ others to assist me as I “think bigger”; and (4) evaluating each task and really deciding whether it’s something I have to handle or whether it can be farmed out to someone else.

3. I will Concentrate on Quality of Life by: (1) joining a better gym that motivates me and has the classes I enjoy at more convenient times and at a more convenient location; (2) spending at least one weekend a month in our newly acquired vacation home; (3) trying not to work in the mornings before school – that should be my time to really interact with my daughters; and (4) not complaining about how hard I’m working to my husband, who is also working incredibly hard.

4. I will Use My Time More Wisely by: compartmentalizing my day – instead of checking twitter and facebook whenever I feel like it, calendar this time into my day in 3 or 4 5-10 minute intervals, and same with time to blog and time to return calls – that way I’ll feel fewer interruptions and won’t lose time as I reacquaint myself with whatever task I left halfway done to pick up the phone call.

5. I will Invest in My Friends by: writing handwritten notes, making time for coffee, meeting for walks, calling people just because, and surrounding myself with people who are supportive, understanding, authenic, interesting, helpful and fun.

6. I will Share My Values with My Daughters by : selecting toys, books, and tv shows that reflect my values (Free to Be is the best Book/CD/DVD on the planet, hands down), showing them that when I’m with them they have my complete attention, and that when I can’t be with them I am doing something important for our family and providing a service that helps people through a stressful time in their life and/or motivates them to create a better life for themselves and their families.

I’m sure I’ll think of more, and I’m sure I’ll continue to be introspective as my 35th birthday rapidly approaches, so stay tuned. I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments, and personal resolutions for 2009. I hope it is a happy, healthy year in which we all work to repair the world.

Resolution #4: More Romance in Your Life

We all know how difficult it is to have romantic dinners when the Fiesta Trio from Dora the Explorer is blaring from the living room, and what it’s like to try to have an adult conversation in the car when you’re being constantly bombarded by clever observations and (less clever, less polite) demands for juice and pacifiers. What is the secret to a great relationship?  Making the effort!

How can you make the effort? Here are my suggestions:

1. Stop thinking of marriage as a competition. Who got a night out last? Who changes more diapers? Who works harder? Who makes more money? Who drives the older car? Just stop. Who cares? If you’re looking for your spouse to turn to you and say, “Wow, I can’t believe how much you handle, and how gracefully you do everything.” Then either just tell your spouse that’s what you want to hear, or forget that you want to hear it. Or, here’s a novel concept – say this to your spouse and MEAN IT.  Without any eye rolling or sarcasm, tell your partner that you are impressed by everything he does, what he does well, and that you appreciate him. In my experience, saying something nice to someone leads to hearing something nice about yourself in return.The more you nag, the less someone will want to say nice things to you. The more you complain, the less inspired someone will be to compliment you. Try it with your girlfriend, “Why Sheryl, I just love that color on you.” What’s she going to say? Something mean? No. She’s going to say, “Wow, that means so much coming from you because you always look so put together.” Men are the same way. Just don’t expect the response to be as immediate as your girlfriend’s.  Every marriage has its issues, but competition between teammates shouldn’t be one of them.

2. Now that you’ve created a culture of “nice”, create a culture of sexy. Now, I won’t go into too much detail here, because my mother in law has been known to leave a comment or two on this blog, but c’mon – shave your freaking legs.  How much time does it really take? I never understand women who complain about the 2 minutes it takes to shave, and then complain that their husbands never touch them. Get your hair done, get your nails done. Yes, these things cost money. It’s true. But it’s also an investment, showing your partner that he/she (this is a liberal blog) is worth the effort. It takes time. Yes, also true. But isn’t it worth it? In my experience, these efforts go much further than fancy lingerie. And, Dr. Laura is right about one thing -and arguably only one thing – no one is going to be turned on, or feel welcomed home, to find you in that morning’s PJs or in a spit-up covered t-shirt.

3. Date Nights. Date Nights. Date Nights. Jessica posted that a monthly date night is among her resolutions. I would  argue that this is a good start  but not enough (especially for people with “free” babysitting available by grandparents). Weekly date nights – every Saturday night – I put on makeup, heels, and get ready for a nice walk, dinner (even if it’s sharing a burrito or sushi and a beer) and coffee or ice cream before heading home. 2-3 hours. No movies. Only talking, interacting, and no talking about Diapers or issues relating to the kids. Finances are fine. I always encourage  productive discussions about finances. And even sex. But not about kids.

4. Plan a weekend getaway. If you’ve never done this, schedule it now. Arrange the babysitters, days off, hotel. Instead of fancy birthday gifts, give the gift of a getaway. It doesn’t need to involve an airplane (although one of our friends really impressed me by whisking his wife away to Mexico and never telling her where they were going until they made their connecting flight).  If you already do one weekend away each year, plan a second. I really believe in getting away, just the two of us, every 2-3 months.

Which of these will you try to implement this year?

7 New Year’s Resolutions for Busy Moms

For each of the last7 days of 2008, I will share a New Year’s Resolution geared toward busy moms, ending with my personal New Year’s Resolutions on January 1, 2009.

Here is the schedule:

Friday, December 26: Improving Management of Household Finances

Saturday, December 27: A Healthier You

Sunday, December 28: Learning to Ask Others for Help

Monday, December 29: Keeping the Romance Alive

Tuesday, December 30: Making More Money

Wednesday, December 31: Make Time for True Friends (and less time for the others)

Thursday, January 1: MomwithMoney’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2009

Each day, I will provide links to great resources (featuring my twitter tweople to thank them for helping me reach 400 followers this weekend). So, if you have something to contribute to any of these topics, please find me on twitter @momwithmoney.

Today’s Tip: Forgive Yourself for Making Mistakes

My shortfall is a complete lack of common sense. I graduated at the top of my law school class, run a quarter of a million dollar a year business, raise two kids, manage a household, and chair a non profit board – all without an ounce of common sense.

You don’t believe me?

Here’s how Friday went:

1. So excited about my trip with hubby, we’re driving to the Burbank airport (2 hours away in Friday afternoon traffic). I’m enjoying our conversation – we’re talking about the economy. No one is interrupting us. No Backyardigans soundtrack is blasting from the backseat. All of the sudden, “@#&*%(!!!!!”

I forgot the tickets. Remember paper airplane tickets? Our vacation package on Southwest airlines included the mandatory use of paper tickets. You know, the paper tickets I left sitting on my desk back in Santa Barbara?

Of course, Husband Extraordinnaire has this way of looking absolutely blank rather than furious or losing his temper. I pick up the phone, call the airline, am told to call the travel booking company, who then tells me to buy new tickets at the airport, and I call back and someone is nice enough to tell me how to get a refund for the unused tickets. Problem solved.

2. Our plane lands in Oakland and I am greeted by a text message from the au pair. I actually forgot to pay her before I left. I feel terribly, imaging the au pair starving in Los Angeles because her cruel host mom neglected to pay her meager wages. I immediately call my mother in law and take her step by step through the online transfer process at Bank of America.

3. As I was putting on my scarf before departing the airplane, my earring (the only pair I own – a birthday gift from my husband) flew off. I found it, but we were the last ones off the plane.

These things are not typical for me. Yes, I often do things that lack common sense, but these were really out there. However, I am proud of myself for how I handled each situation. I remained calm, took action, and then moved on with my day. I refused to let the frustration follow me. And this also gave me the strength to keep my mouth shut when the restaurant my husband refused to make reservations for (despite his unfaltering desire to eat there) turned out to be closed for a private party – after we walked 45 minutes to get there.

His patience with me during my whole airplane ticket screw up was paid back tenfold when I refrained from the oh-so-tempting, “I told you to make reservations….”

We ended up having a fabulous dinner somewhere else and went to Restaurant #1 the second night of our getaway.

So, the Make More, Be More, Do More tip for today is:

Forgive yourself for little screw-ups, and forgive others for theirs.

(A good lesson for marriage, but also for business).

A Better Me – Today

I resolve to stop talking about how busy I am. Everyone is busy. People have different thresholds for what they are able to handle. My “busy-ness” is no more important than anyone else’s “busy-ness.”

I am going to stop thinking about all of the terrible things that can happen at every moment.

I am proud of myself for today’s small victories:

I made no money today, but I tickled my 2 yo with kisses, painted humongous cutouts of Princess Ariel with my 4 yo, went for a walk, enjoyed my blown-out hair instead of swearing about the 3 hours it took to get it that way, was nice and sweet and fun every time Husband Extraordinnaire called (it’s not his fault I spent too much time twittering and not enough time editing personal statements).

And I’m wearing my Gucci Heels for the first time.

I’m going to my non-profit board meeting and will refuse to be superstitious about the 2 hour drive home at midnight. I will instead enjoy the company of dynamic, brilliant women who work full time doing what I do as a hobby (volunteer work for an issue I’m incredibly passionate about).

I’m leaving for my meeting, and I will not feel guilty because my children are laughing and happy and healthy and enjoying being children. (Even children who refused to take naps and singing at the top of their lungs “I hate your tushy”).

I am going to enjoy December. Tremendously. Life is good. And if life isn’t good for someone else, I’m going to help make it better.

My Ten Goals For December

This is a busy month for everyone – gift shopping, holiday parties, financial pressures, lots of tempting foods, holiday cards to send…the list seems endless.

Here are my December goals:

1.  Send holiday cards to my clients. I already ordered them, and they already arrived. Now I just need help addressing and sending them and writing personal notes. Same goes for the family holiday cards. It’s not so daunting for me to spend an hour or two writing notes, then asking my personal assistant to help me address them. That way I can spend my time working, exercising, or with my family.

2. Celebrate my daughter’s 2nd birthday without going crazy. I’m having 8 moms and kids over on a Tuesday morning for snacks and an art-oriented playdate. I already ordered the favors (Dora and Diego books) and sent out the invitations. Now all I need to do is make cupcakes and ask friends who are headed to Michaels anyway to look for fun art supplies. Plus, our au pair usually has good ideas about this stuff.

3. Not buy any clothes. Or accessories. Nothing for myself. I had a lot of fun at the Saks presale and absolutely love what I bought. Can I go an entire month without shopping? (Those of you who know me, don’t laugh! I have probably set this goal every month for the past 18 months – ever since I started fitting in my clothes after having Baby #2). And no exemptions for new running shoes (even though my ankles hurt). Can I do it? I feel like I need my readers to keep me honest on this one since last month I bought the juicy cashmere track suit, the chanel sunglasses, 3 pairs of shoes (already written about here), a Missoni top, Alice and Olivia top, and BCBG dress this month. Oh, and a Botkier handbag. But I swear, it really was all 85% off at the pre sale and I got an additional 10% off by opening a Saks card. (Which, by the way, I will pay off the second the bill arrives- Financial stability rule #1- don’t put anything on credit card you don’t have the cash to pay for immediately).

3. Find a few times a week to work out, even if just for 20 minutes or a home video if it’s too rainy to get outside.

4. Remain motivated with work, even though the law school admission cycle will be slowing down over the next 4-6 weeks.

5. Make time to spend with my friends – book clubs, holiday parties, etc.

6. Enjoy my parents and brother when they visit without worrying about the interruptions in my regular schedule and work life.

7. Find time each week to visit my friend who is finding her way back into life after losing her husband.

8. Get away for 2 nights with my husband and not delve into paranoia that something terrible will happen and I’ll never forgive myself for leaving the girls. (I go through this every time we leave them over night to do something fun – this time it’ll be a trip to San Francisco).

9. When I’m learning to make tamales and baking Christmas cookies with my two best friends, I will enjoy being part of their family’s traditions without being stressed about the fact that I really should be working.

10.  For every Hannukah present I bought the girls, I will spend time exploring it with them. I will read every book after they open it, dive into the art projects with them, tear open the games and teach them how to play, and invest my time in their joy. I will try very hard not to say, “I’ll be right there.” Instead, I will just be there.

How I Became a 6-Figure WFHM

I was one of those women who, as an attorney, billed 2,000 hours/year even while pregnant. My ego and self-worth was completely tied into my boss, my cases, my clients, and my nice paycheck. But I also saw the signs:

Sign #1: At my annual evaluation, boss telling me I really deserved another $10,000 raise on top of the $15,000 raise he was giving me, but he was “afraid I was going to mommy track it.”

Sign #2: The look of shock on his face when I told him a trial date wouldn’t work for me because I was due to have a baby that week.

Sign #3: When, at 32 weeks preg, I was hospitalized with early labor symptoms and he had his secretary call me in the hospital to find a random evidentiary document.

Sign #4: After my daughter was born, and despite the fact that I’d been billing again since she was 8 days old, and despite the fact that I showed up in the office triumphant after a hearing (where we’d been awarded our attorney fees as sanctions! Hello!), he informed me my services would no longer be needed.

I went into complete shock (after negotiating my severance, of course). My ego was absolutely shattered, I was a mess in every volunteer organization meeting I tried to attend (forever souring our rabbi against me, causing him to be skeptical about my every endeavor since), and I felt at a complete loss, completely sorry for myself for dedicating so much time and energy and loyalty to someone and something that could so easily cut me loose.

I packed up my office, got home, told the nanny I could no longer afford her services, and tried to collect myself.

Game Plan #1: I knocked on every door of every lawyer I knew, wearing my power suit. No one had anything for me, but promised to keep an ear to the ground.

Game Plan #2: Enjoy being a mommy while I can. So, I went for a walk with my friend, Michelle. We took the kids for a stroll in our baby joggers.  I still remember the exact place in the park where I was standing when I said, “You know, I should help people applying to law school.”

And the rest, as they say, is history.

I spent a week doing research:

How do  I start a business? Do I need a business license? How do I get a website? How do I get a domain name? How do I take credit cards? How do I advertise online? How do I get a business phone line?

I knew absolutely nothing about starting a business. My mom is a nurse, my dad is a professor, and I’ve always had the kind of jobs that came with salaries and W-2s. But, I had an ace in my pocket because my husband has amazing business sense.

“B, I think I need $1,400 to get this up and running.”

“How about $700?” He asked, worried about now being a one-income family with a 4 month old baby and a mortgage in Santa Barbara.

“My unemployment check is for $1,400. I need the whole thing.”

He agreed, and within three weeks, I’d made back every penny.

In the first year, my income equaled a paralegal salary.

In my second year, I was earning what a part time lawyer would make.

In my third year, I exceeded my previous income practicing law.

In my fourth year, I was at partner status.

And, this year, I’ve exceeded any yearly income I’d ever hoped to earn.

So, when people ask me why I didn’t sue the jerk who fired me, I answer in one of two ways: “Because it was the best thing that ever could have happened for me and for my family” or “He’s a Buddhist and believes in karma, so it’s all good.”

How I Got Lucky

It’s Sunday night and I’m working after a really relaxing weekend enjoying family and friends.

The girls are playing with the au pair; they are bathed and happy.

And my husband is cooking dinner.

As I was reading a law school personal statement, it occurred to me how lucky I am that Brent cooks. And I don’t mean he boils pasta. I mean the man COOKs (see my Thanksgiving Turkey post).

I usually take for granted that Brent knows his way around the kitchen much more than I do, and while I do cook our weeknight dinners, it struck me that most husbands wouldn’t be able to throw dinner together.

So, I’m admitting that I’m very, very lucky. But even the cooking thing is only part of it.  I have to credit Brent’s willingness to cook, to pick up dinner, to clean the kitchen, to watch the girls, with my professional success. Certainly, without his help with these daily life tasks (and so much more) I would not be able to work like I work or earn the money that I make.

And, when I am feeling completely overwhelmed and overworked, it’s always B who reminds me that this is temporary, that I always get through my busy season, and that it’s worth it. And that is why I’m really lucky.

So the MomwithMoney tip for the day on how to Make More, Be More, and Do More:

Support your partner and appreciate all he (or she) does to support you, whether or not you earn an income. It’s not a contest of who does more. It’s a team and everyone shares the same goal of doing what’s best for the family.

Why Dr. Laura will Vilify Me in My Local Paper

I might as well be honest with my readers right from the beginning of our relationship.

I have a major bone to pick with Dr. Laura. I could pick many reasons to be irritated by her, and a few to be horrified, but I have – in the context of this blog – one major objection to one tiny little bullet point in one of her books.

I’m in two book clubs (just one would not be good enough for such a high achiever, not to mention social butterfly). One forced me to read “The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. (I must REALLY love those girls to agree to spend my time on that one, right?) Now, here in Santa Barbara, we have the privilege of having Dr. Laura not only as a neighbor, but also as a regularly featured columnist in our very popular Santa Barbara News-Press (which, for attorney-client confidentiality reasons, I cannot comment about here but a google search on the paper’s name should suffice if you’re looking for dirt about journalistic ethics).

So, before I get to the part of the book that turned me off, I will happily acknowledge some general principles I agreed with:

1. Be nice to your husband and he will be nice to you.

2. A husband does appreciate coming home from work to relative calmness in the house, a nice meal ready, and a wife who does not look like a total schlubb.

3. She’s right about guys needing regular sex and not caring nearly as much about your cellulite as you do.

And that, ladies, is where she had me. I was actually thinking, “Ok, I know where she’s going with this. It’s about respect and peace and enjoying your time together and  not seeng your husband as a competitor.”

But then, starting at the very bottom of page 76, she totally lost me. Forever.

And I quote:

The man should be the major breadwinner in the family. Every man needs a battle or war to win to prove to himself that he is strong and capable of conquering any and all dragons that life throws his way. Taking care of his family by working and providing are his battles.

I graduated magna cum laude from law school and the best argument I can come up with against this statement is, “Is she kidding me with this?”  It’s just wrong on so many levels.

I promise, Husband Extraordinaire feels like a man every time he fetches a piece of jewelry from the sink drain, unclogs the disposal, and lugs the recycling up our ridiculously steep driveway. I also believe he feels like a man as he watches football with a beautiful two year old wrapped into his arms, takes his wife out for a weekly date night (which we can afford because of our joint earnings), eats at our all-time favorite restaurant, buys a second home in Palm Springs, and vacations in Maui for a week every year.

Really, Dr. Laura, I think his job as a litigation attorney gives him plenty of dragons to slay.  And, because I don’t have to ask permission every time I buy myself a treat or justify every frivilous expense, there are no battles for him to fight at home. Everyone is happy. And that should be good enough for Dr. Laura. But, it’s ok if it’s not. It’s good enough for me, and for my husband.

A Man is Not A Plan: Take Charge of Your Financial Life

In 1999, I was 25 and getting divorced. I was making $35,000/year and owned nothing. I had an incredibly unsupportive boss who was overbearing and ego-shattering, and I was living in a town I hated. Good times.

One day, my boss sent an email out to the entire department. There was a conference in town featuring prominent female speakers and she had a ticket to give away. If you were interested, you had to write an essay about why you hoped to attend and promise to count the day as “vacation.” Any day away from her prying eyes sounded good to me, so I submitted an essay. I was the only person who did, and therefore won by default.

This conference changed my life. The only speaker I remember was Suze Orman. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but I left that day knowing two things: (1) I needed a Roth IRA, and (2) I needed to be in charge of my money.

I knew nothing about how to actually do either of these things. This was when the Internet was still dial-up and everyone used AOL for e-mail. So, I went to the bookstore.

There I found a bright pink book, “A Girl Needs Cash.” Geared toward 20-something single women, I gobbled up every nugget of advice. I found a better paying job (doubling my salary), started the Roth IRA, signed up for my company’s matching 401k, and started learning more about taxes. I vowed to never put anything on credit card that I couldn’t pay for in cash. And I decided to never be shy about my personal need for money; I would not be embarrassed about needing cash and should be every bit as assertive as a man would be about obtaining financial security and independence.

There were some blips along the way: unexpected tax bills, becoming overly excited about having and furnishing a 2-bedroom beachfront apartment in my new city, the shock of an overdue $3,000 tax bill as the result of my divorce, and the absolute NEED for some date-appropriate clothing.  But I made my finances a priority. Understanding my bills, my burdens, and my capabilities is what turned me from a 20-something to an ADULT.

It’s important to me to earn money and to help grow my family’s financial security. I shouldn’t have to tell you why it’s important, but in case you’ really don’t know:

• it’s good for our quality of life (vacation homes, more than enough of everything, supporting non-profit organizations, getting to live in Santa Barbara, etc.)
• A financially secure wife and mom does wonders for our family dynamics – mutual respect, less burden and pressure on the husband, etc.
• My friend who spent years as a divorce attorney tells me she has noticed a clear pattern: when the man wants the divorce, the woman has no financial power in the relationship (income or understanding of the finances); when the wife at least manages the finances, the husband is less likely to be the person seeking the divorce.
• It’s good for my self esteem;  I know if -God forbid- anything happens to my husband that even if I won’t know how to fix the garbage disposal, I will be able to pay someone else to fix it. I will know where my money is and how to use it. There would be enough to worry about; the aftermath of a tragedy is no time to learn how to pay the bills.
• I want my girls to see that their educations and careers are not just means to meeting Mr. Right.

So, what’s the first step to get in control of your financial life? Here are some ideas:

• Learn where your money is and how to get to it.
• Know what your monthly expenses are.
• Know what your family’s monthly income is.
• Don’t plan to rely on the possibility of future inheritances; figure out a retirement plan today.
• If you’re not the person in charge of the family finances, spend time learning where things are and how things are done. Talk to your spouse about your insecurities in this regard and that you want to take on some of this responsibility.
• If money is tight, be creative about what you can do to help. Maybe you have a friend who works who needs a personal assistant, and you could run her errands at the same time you’re running you’re own. Maybe you have great ideas for kid’s birthday parties, or you could be a freelance writer, or teach spinning classes, or work from home typing dictation while the kids nap, or maybe you have some idea you’ve been keeping secret for years and it’s time to take action and explore it.
• Find a financial planning book that speaks to you in words you understand.
• Find a financial planner who will sit down with you and your husband together and explain things and set out clear goals.
• Consider that women’s financial needs are different than men’s.
• Look into an online financial seminar geared to women, like this one about 6 Steps to Reach Financial Freedom.
• If your husband is resistant to changing the family financial structure, have your research ready about why it’s important to the entire family that you take charge of your financial life.

If you need further inspiration, there’s a free bumper sticker offer at WIFE.org, “A MAN IS NOT A PLAN”

P.S. I know Dr. Laura will hate me for this posting. I anticipate she will hate most of my postings. But I don’t love or respect my husband any less because I have and understand money. And, I promise, he doesn’t respect me any less for it either. (More on my one-sided relationship with Dr. Laura to follow)